I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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