I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
