the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
zippers are such a cool invention
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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