I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
