I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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