oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize