I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
he just fucked me for my cheese..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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