you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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