I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
