My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
