Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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