A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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