Only a mothe r could love this liver
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
