i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
