I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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