I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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