It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
