i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
