Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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