My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
