you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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