so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You made out with two different species that night
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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