Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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