11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
