I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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