If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
