I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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