I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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