drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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