Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
