If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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