Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
