Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
