God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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