I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
