Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Floor bacon is actually really good
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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