He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
