if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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