I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
