Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
