I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
