My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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