im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
