I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
