totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
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