woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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