I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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