I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
