how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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