i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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