Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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