I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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