Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
