I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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