Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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