I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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