The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
