i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
