Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
