i already hear my dad disowning me
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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