Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
